Life

Life is not easy. Duh.
But I also realize something else. God watches over me. This isn't some sappy, happy nonsense about having no troubles because I'm a Christian. I've got troubles, plenty of them. Sometimes I'm really not sure I can take anymore. I've even thrown my hands up and said "I can't, I can't and I quit." When I get like this, the last thing I want to do is pick up my Bible. I'm afraid, afraid I won't find the answers or comfort, or direction I'm looking for.
Wrong move.
At my most devastated and defeated is when I cry out and ask "Why me?" or "How?" And He has redirected my focus. Usually off of my immediate concerns and trials and onto His purposes and glory or onto others and their needs.
Things aren't all better. And my struggles continue. I don't know how they're going to turn out. But if I don't listen to His counsel and direction I'm doomed before I've started. Because I just can't do it on my own.
If I look right down at the root of my life, He is ALL I've got. Nothing else will last, and all my efforts may be in vain. But He is steadfast and faithful. I know this.
So it starts with Him. And the best place to first look for Him would be in His Word. And if I ask Him to He will meet me there. But not on my terms.
Because I've realized something else. I'm a really manipulative person. So I'll try to take whatever situation I'm in and turn it to my benefit, or what's going to make me happiest. I can say and do the right things. But His Spirit convicts me and won't give me peace. Under the right circumstances I will sing the praises of God, but when things take a downturn I cry 'foul'. Unfair. In both the Holy Spirit remains silent. How on earth could I expect God to play my game. He's God. Always has been, always will be and IS. Do I really think He's going to play my little game? That He'll sit idly by while I put on a good show when I need to? Of course not.
So now what? How DOES one become authentic, truly... with no trace of pretense in your very soul? That is the question I can't find an answer to. Because I just can't seem to stop. I feel like a schizo.
Stupid me. Holy Spirit, duh. Prayer, the Holy Spirit comes through prayer and both heals and redirects our heart, mind and soul....



...... Gotta go.

Last Names

So I've been married just over 6 months now. And with all the adjustment periods and getting used to sharing, doing, discussing EVERYTHING with my wonderful husband when, up till now I'd been Miss Independent, I find the most difficult transition is..... using my new last name.
It's not that I forget I've changed it. (Ok, sometimes I do.) It's just plain difficult to remember to USE it! When people ask you your name to fill out forms or whatnot, after 34 years with my maiden name I'm realizing just how difficult it really is to use my husband's name... though I so desperately want to.
What adds to my difficulty is this. My husband's last name is Greek. Neither of us are Greek. So when someone asks for my last name and I give it, it's cause for second takes. The fact that we are both of Scottish/Irish descent only adds to the confusion as people now try to SPELL it. It's not actually that difficult, but it's not a common name, and there's an 'x' in it. I think x's throw people right off. The name is spelled exactly as it sounds, but for some reason everyone gets all the letters mixed up and even add a few of their own for good measure.
I'm proud of my new last name, but sometimes it's just easier to use my maiden name. I know this really bothers my husband. But I try to explain to him that it's not all that easy to just start calling yourself by a new surname. He didn't have to do it, so it's hard for him to understand. I'll get it someday... I just need a little more time. Regardless, there's no one else's name I'd rather take.