Tug of War

I remember my 'new' days with the Lord... they were SO full of joy and He felt SO near.... even in the midst of all that was going on, everything was so new....
I could find beauty in anything...
Where does that go? 6 years later, how does it get so dry? I know that answer. It's all my own fault I know. I did it. I stopped. I got distracted, discouraged.... He wasn't enough anymore. I had 'forgotten my first love'. The lover of my youth. Ahhhhh. Just remembering is so..... longing.
I knew when His hand touched me.
I think things have changed. Not even just me.... the years, the ways, they've changed too. People have forsaken the relationship. There is a split. Those who embrace the 'spiritual' euphoric 'experience and forsake all doctrine. And those who denounce any 'experience' and scream 'theology! doctrine!' and anything you might 'feel' is completely emotional and baseless and not to be trusted.
I came in at this time, when I could sense it the most. The change, transition. And I got caught in it. Pulled from both ends. And I am torn. Ragged. I cling to doctrine, to 'biblical truth' and the literal interpretation... to flee from 'NEW' concepts... mysticism. Run from those who tell me 'just be like Jesus!... just love love love!!! and nothing else matters...' A disciplinary God is a bad god. Love love love. Feed the poor, felt needs.... seekers.
I know.
I can pick out the truths and hold it against the truth of scripture that shows the ideas lacking. Where they've left out the need for repentance and acknowledgment of being in opposition to God.
I was ravenous for this. Took my stand.
And in doing so.... abandoned feeling. The way a song could stir me, move my heart to joy and love.... to commune with Him. It became more important to KNOW what the Word said, than to meet the Lord IN it.....
I remember.
I remember hearing.... as I read. I recall joy. Giggling. Awe!!! The awe, how beautiful it was!!! A seagull flying overhead inspired awe in GOD. THAT IS IT. It's gone.
But the more 'knowledge' I acquired, the warnings I heeded from well meaning teachers... 'Beware the false prophet! Don't trust your 'feelings'!' the colder my heart grew. Hard, cold.... dead?? Ohhhhh.
6 years. Here I am. Still a child. 'Young in my faith'. Have I become a Pharisee? All law and no love? The church at Ephesus.
'Repent and do the things you did at first'!!!!
Well then.
And what did I do at first? I hungered and thirsted. I longed for. I desired and .... loved.
The Lord
His people
Life.
The tug of war. I'm in it. Doctrine, Truth, uncompromised..... joy, peace, laughter... hands and voice raised, loving, smiling.... telling.
REPENT......
AND
do the things you did at FIRST.

Learnin' Leanin'

Wow, what a week. Full of love, and heartache at the same time.
Sometimes I recall wondering where God was in all of it. I pleaded for Him to show Himself.
I specifically remember crying out to Him and remembering suddenly that He tells us to ask anything in HIS NAME. Meaning, if it is His will, He will do it. And so I clung to this. And you know what? It worked. I was able to turn it over to the Lord and trust Him that this was His will.

God's name be praised. Why didn't I think of this before? Not that God will give me anything I ask for just because I want it and ask it of Him. But there are some things and prayers that God really does want to give us if we will just leave it up to HIS WILL. I know that God wants to ease our heartache and comfort us and He will do it if we will just surrender. Thank you Jesus!

I have so much to be thankful for and so much to learn. I am thankful for a patient and gracious God who never gives up on me. How I wish I only didn't let Him down so much. God is always there. And He loves His children. All of them. He longs to draw them together and to Himself. May we endeavor to do this with passion.

Good Wifey

I'm suppose to be catching up on my Bible study material. I'm way, way behind. 3 chapters doesn't seem like much, but this stuff actually requires thought.
So, I'm currently doing a study called 'Loving your Husband'. I really love it actually (despite that my current activity defies that statement'. I'm learning lately how much we depend on our spouse to make us happy and fulfill our needs. And even more, how unreasonable that is. He just can't do it. I know he does everything in his power to do it, but he just can't. And I can't do the same for him (though I know he would of course say that I DO). This, I'm seeing is that little bit of dissatisfaction that is built into every marriage, from the worst to the best. God has made certain that we can never be completely fulfilled and satisfied in any relationship besides ours with HIM and Him alone. Even the happiest of couples (of which I count myself) cannot be everything to one another. There is always going to be a desperate need and longing for a depth of relationship that comes solely from God.
But the beauty part of it is that HE is willing to give it! Part of discovering it, as I'm learning, is to completely remove my focus from having my needs met by Shawn (easier said than done, I admit) and put it on meeting his needs as much as possible. All the while doing this with a heart that longs to see it done so that God may be pleased and glorified.
I heard a female speaker this morning on this subject, and she said how her husband is most satisfied and happy with her when she is most content and satisfied in the LORD. WOW. I can see that. My deeper longing and relationship with God serves to breed contentment and love in my husband. Of course it does, I feel the same towards Shawn when he is finding his rest and contentment in the Lord. I feel more secure and satisfied in this. That whole triangle analogy with the husband and wife at the bottom corners and God at the apex really is true. As each of our eyes are drawn heavenward, the distance between us narrows and we become more one. It is inevitable. Beauty!