Life

Life is not easy. Duh.
But I also realize something else. God watches over me. This isn't some sappy, happy nonsense about having no troubles because I'm a Christian. I've got troubles, plenty of them. Sometimes I'm really not sure I can take anymore. I've even thrown my hands up and said "I can't, I can't and I quit." When I get like this, the last thing I want to do is pick up my Bible. I'm afraid, afraid I won't find the answers or comfort, or direction I'm looking for.
Wrong move.
At my most devastated and defeated is when I cry out and ask "Why me?" or "How?" And He has redirected my focus. Usually off of my immediate concerns and trials and onto His purposes and glory or onto others and their needs.
Things aren't all better. And my struggles continue. I don't know how they're going to turn out. But if I don't listen to His counsel and direction I'm doomed before I've started. Because I just can't do it on my own.
If I look right down at the root of my life, He is ALL I've got. Nothing else will last, and all my efforts may be in vain. But He is steadfast and faithful. I know this.
So it starts with Him. And the best place to first look for Him would be in His Word. And if I ask Him to He will meet me there. But not on my terms.
Because I've realized something else. I'm a really manipulative person. So I'll try to take whatever situation I'm in and turn it to my benefit, or what's going to make me happiest. I can say and do the right things. But His Spirit convicts me and won't give me peace. Under the right circumstances I will sing the praises of God, but when things take a downturn I cry 'foul'. Unfair. In both the Holy Spirit remains silent. How on earth could I expect God to play my game. He's God. Always has been, always will be and IS. Do I really think He's going to play my little game? That He'll sit idly by while I put on a good show when I need to? Of course not.
So now what? How DOES one become authentic, truly... with no trace of pretense in your very soul? That is the question I can't find an answer to. Because I just can't seem to stop. I feel like a schizo.
Stupid me. Holy Spirit, duh. Prayer, the Holy Spirit comes through prayer and both heals and redirects our heart, mind and soul....



...... Gotta go.