Tug of War

I remember my 'new' days with the Lord... they were SO full of joy and He felt SO near.... even in the midst of all that was going on, everything was so new....
I could find beauty in anything...
Where does that go? 6 years later, how does it get so dry? I know that answer. It's all my own fault I know. I did it. I stopped. I got distracted, discouraged.... He wasn't enough anymore. I had 'forgotten my first love'. The lover of my youth. Ahhhhh. Just remembering is so..... longing.
I knew when His hand touched me.
I think things have changed. Not even just me.... the years, the ways, they've changed too. People have forsaken the relationship. There is a split. Those who embrace the 'spiritual' euphoric 'experience and forsake all doctrine. And those who denounce any 'experience' and scream 'theology! doctrine!' and anything you might 'feel' is completely emotional and baseless and not to be trusted.
I came in at this time, when I could sense it the most. The change, transition. And I got caught in it. Pulled from both ends. And I am torn. Ragged. I cling to doctrine, to 'biblical truth' and the literal interpretation... to flee from 'NEW' concepts... mysticism. Run from those who tell me 'just be like Jesus!... just love love love!!! and nothing else matters...' A disciplinary God is a bad god. Love love love. Feed the poor, felt needs.... seekers.
I know.
I can pick out the truths and hold it against the truth of scripture that shows the ideas lacking. Where they've left out the need for repentance and acknowledgment of being in opposition to God.
I was ravenous for this. Took my stand.
And in doing so.... abandoned feeling. The way a song could stir me, move my heart to joy and love.... to commune with Him. It became more important to KNOW what the Word said, than to meet the Lord IN it.....
I remember.
I remember hearing.... as I read. I recall joy. Giggling. Awe!!! The awe, how beautiful it was!!! A seagull flying overhead inspired awe in GOD. THAT IS IT. It's gone.
But the more 'knowledge' I acquired, the warnings I heeded from well meaning teachers... 'Beware the false prophet! Don't trust your 'feelings'!' the colder my heart grew. Hard, cold.... dead?? Ohhhhh.
6 years. Here I am. Still a child. 'Young in my faith'. Have I become a Pharisee? All law and no love? The church at Ephesus.
'Repent and do the things you did at first'!!!!
Well then.
And what did I do at first? I hungered and thirsted. I longed for. I desired and .... loved.
The Lord
His people
Life.
The tug of war. I'm in it. Doctrine, Truth, uncompromised..... joy, peace, laughter... hands and voice raised, loving, smiling.... telling.
REPENT......
AND
do the things you did at FIRST.